Oct 2, 2009

Redneck Joke:

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says,"Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says,"There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer,"You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head-first into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

Sep 28, 2009

Redneck Joke

Redneck Trading:

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on another customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" 

Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" 

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.  
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, 
and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. 

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" 

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that there teapot."

Sep 1, 2009

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide trailer) so, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife (also his cousin) didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Aug 30, 2009

More Redneck Logic

----Two dogs are better than one dog, three dogs are better than two dogs, and so on …

----What’s the most important thing (in order) is a good running pick’em up truck, a large collection and variety of guns, a pack of dogs, a refrigerator full of beer, and wife who fucks like a rabbit.

----The only thing better than a foxy 24-year-old tall babe with big hooters is two 12-year-old virgins.

----The only thing better than a plate full of vittles consisting of hog jowls, grits, and possum is a night out with the boys coon hunting, killing several kegs of beer, and a mess of BBQ.

----The only thing better than watching wrestling on TV is having a blowjob from the wife while drinking a cold one and watching her head bob up and down like a fishing ball.

----Only one thing better than hutin and that’s killing a revenuer.

----The best swap meet ever is when you can get three five year olds for one 15-year-old used up pregnant bitch.

----A family proud day is when the misses wins the Redman Spitting Contest at the county Fair.

----When your neighbor gets some new sheep and you sneak over late at night and get you some. Placing those back sheep hoofs into those worn out cowboy boots and butt reaming that sheep until the dawn comes up is just the Cat’s Meow.

----As a father, attending 5th grade with his oldest son (age 19), and your dad. Now that’s a family to be proud of.

----Having the annual weed-burning contest in the front yard to find all your really good junk.

----Being ever so proud when little Bubba-Ray learns to jiggle the handle on the potty chair.

----Training your new hound dog to steal a farmer’s chickens.

----Hanging a cat up by it’s from paws from a tree and setting it on fire to light up the campsite.

----Stealing the sheriff’s car and using it as your midnight moonshine running mobile.

Jokes emailed to me by a guy named : JACK

Aug 25, 2009

The Redneck Dictionary, Part 2

More on How to Speak Redneck:

AH: The thing you see with, denoting individuality. 

Usage: "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

ALL: A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

AST: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal
 moonshine stills. 

Usage: "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."

ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. 

Usage: "Pass me attair gravy, please"

AWL: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines.

Usage: "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

BAHS: A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

BARD: Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

BLEEVE: Expression of intent or faith. 

Usage: "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

BOB WAR: A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

CENT: Plural of cent. 

Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

CO-COLA: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. 

Usage: "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

CYST: To render aid.
Usage: "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."

Usage: "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."

DID: Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR: A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

ETLANNA: Atlanta.

EVER WHICH AWAYS: To be scattered in all directions.

Usage: "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew ever which aways.

FAR: A state of combustion that produces heat and light; a conflagration. 

Usage: "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs." 
"If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."

FARN: Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.

Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

(1) Measure of distance
(2) Because of or to indicate possession.

(1) "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."

(2) "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."

GOOD OLE BOY: Any Southern male between age 12 and 70 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. 

Usage: "Bubba's a good ole boy."

GRIYUTS: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. 

Usage: "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

GUMMIT: An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

HALE: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. 

Usage: "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

HAZE: A contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

HEAVY DEW: A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

HEP: To aid or benefit. 

Usage: "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

HOT: A blood-pumping organ.
 HOD - Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. 

Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

IGNERT: Not smart.

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

JAWJUH: A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

JEW: Did you.

Usage: "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

JU-HERE: A question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

KUMPNY: Guests. 

Usage: "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

LAW: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, "PO-leece". 

Usage: "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

LIKKER: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that
federal authorities frown upon.

Usage: "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

LOT: Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

MASH: To press, as in the case of an elevator button.

Usage: "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you. 

Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

MUNTS:  A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

NAWTHUN: Anything that is not Southern. 

Usage: "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system."

OVAIR: In that direction. 

Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

PHRAISIN: Very cold. 

Usage: "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

PLUM: Completely.

Usage: "Ah'm plum wore out."

RANCH: A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."

RATS: Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

RETARD: To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RETCH:  To grasp for.

Usage: "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet. 

Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

SEED: Past tense.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"


Usage: "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

SINNER: Exact middle of. 

Usage: "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."


QUARSH: A vegetable; To flatten.
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

SUGAR: A kiss.

Usage: "Come here and give me some sugar."

TAR: A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup

TAR ARNS: A tool employed in changing wheels. 

Usage: "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

TARRED: Exhausted; fatigued.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
"Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

TIRE: A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

UHMURKIN: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. 

Usage: "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

VIEW: Contraction.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

WAR: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. 

Usage: "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

WARSH: To clean.

Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

WHUP: To beat or to strike. 

Usage: "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

YANKEE SHOT: A Southern child's navel. 

Usage: "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."

ZAT: Is that.

Usage: "Zat yo dawg?"

Aug 21, 2009

Redneck 101

Learn To Speak Redneck:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly intelligent.

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory).

3. Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous.

4. Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action.

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7. She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = That woman can talk.

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around here.

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceptive.

10. This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most handsome of men.

12. They ate supper before they said grace = Living in sin.

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told.

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = prone to boasting.

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Aug 20, 2009

Redneck Joke:

The Redneck Contest:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists a
 Yale graduate and a redneck from Georgia.
They were given a word, 
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that 
contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
 Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels,
two by two
 Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!

No way could the redneck top that, they thought.....

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' we went,

Met three 'hoes in a pop-up tent.

They was three and we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down

Jul 2, 2009

Some More Redneck Jokes

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between"right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it , we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Jun 26, 2009

Southern Women

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
Now........ Shugah, ya'all should be a laughing!