Aug 30, 2009

More Redneck Logic

----Two dogs are better than one dog, three dogs are better than two dogs, and so on …

----What’s the most important thing (in order) is a good running pick’em up truck, a large collection and variety of guns, a pack of dogs, a refrigerator full of beer, and wife who fucks like a rabbit.

----The only thing better than a foxy 24-year-old tall babe with big hooters is two 12-year-old virgins.

----The only thing better than a plate full of vittles consisting of hog jowls, grits, and possum is a night out with the boys coon hunting, killing several kegs of beer, and a mess of BBQ.

----The only thing better than watching wrestling on TV is having a blowjob from the wife while drinking a cold one and watching her head bob up and down like a fishing ball.

----Only one thing better than hutin and that’s killing a revenuer.

----The best swap meet ever is when you can get three five year olds for one 15-year-old used up pregnant bitch.

----A family proud day is when the misses wins the Redman Spitting Contest at the county Fair.

----When your neighbor gets some new sheep and you sneak over late at night and get you some. Placing those back sheep hoofs into those worn out cowboy boots and butt reaming that sheep until the dawn comes up is just the Cat’s Meow.

----As a father, attending 5th grade with his oldest son (age 19), and your dad. Now that’s a family to be proud of.

----Having the annual weed-burning contest in the front yard to find all your really good junk.

----Being ever so proud when little Bubba-Ray learns to jiggle the handle on the potty chair.

----Training your new hound dog to steal a farmer’s chickens.

----Hanging a cat up by it’s from paws from a tree and setting it on fire to light up the campsite.

----Stealing the sheriff’s car and using it as your midnight moonshine running mobile.

Jokes emailed to me by a guy named : JACK

Aug 25, 2009

The Redneck Dictionary, Part 2

More on How to Speak Redneck:

AH: The thing you see with, denoting individuality. 

Usage: "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

ALL: A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

AST: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal
 moonshine stills. 

Usage: "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."

ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. 

Usage: "Pass me attair gravy, please"

AWL: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines.

Usage: "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

BAHS: A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

BARD: Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

BLEEVE: Expression of intent or faith. 

Usage: "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

BOB WAR: A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

CENT: Plural of cent. 

Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

CO-COLA: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. 

Usage: "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

CYST: To render aid.
Usage: "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."

Usage: "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."

DID: Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR: A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

ETLANNA: Atlanta.

EVER WHICH AWAYS: To be scattered in all directions.

Usage: "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew ever which aways.

FAR: A state of combustion that produces heat and light; a conflagration. 

Usage: "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs." 
"If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."

FARN: Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.

Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

(1) Measure of distance
(2) Because of or to indicate possession.

(1) "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."

(2) "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."

GOOD OLE BOY: Any Southern male between age 12 and 70 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. 

Usage: "Bubba's a good ole boy."

GRIYUTS: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. 

Usage: "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

GUMMIT: An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

HALE: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. 

Usage: "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

HAZE: A contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

HEAVY DEW: A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

HEP: To aid or benefit. 

Usage: "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

HOT: A blood-pumping organ.
 HOD - Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. 

Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

IGNERT: Not smart.

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

JAWJUH: A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

JEW: Did you.

Usage: "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

JU-HERE: A question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

KUMPNY: Guests. 

Usage: "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

LAW: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, "PO-leece". 

Usage: "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

LIKKER: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that
federal authorities frown upon.

Usage: "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

LOT: Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

MASH: To press, as in the case of an elevator button.

Usage: "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you. 

Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

MUNTS:  A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

NAWTHUN: Anything that is not Southern. 

Usage: "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system."

OVAIR: In that direction. 

Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

PHRAISIN: Very cold. 

Usage: "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

PLUM: Completely.

Usage: "Ah'm plum wore out."

RANCH: A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."

RATS: Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

RETARD: To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RETCH:  To grasp for.

Usage: "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet. 

Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

SEED: Past tense.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"


Usage: "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

SINNER: Exact middle of. 

Usage: "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."


QUARSH: A vegetable; To flatten.
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

SUGAR: A kiss.

Usage: "Come here and give me some sugar."

TAR: A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup

TAR ARNS: A tool employed in changing wheels. 

Usage: "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

TARRED: Exhausted; fatigued.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
"Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

TIRE: A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

UHMURKIN: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. 

Usage: "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

VIEW: Contraction.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

WAR: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. 

Usage: "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

WARSH: To clean.

Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

WHUP: To beat or to strike. 

Usage: "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

YANKEE SHOT: A Southern child's navel. 

Usage: "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."

ZAT: Is that.

Usage: "Zat yo dawg?"

Aug 21, 2009

Redneck 101

Learn To Speak Redneck:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly intelligent.

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory).

3. Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous.

4. Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action.

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7. She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = That woman can talk.

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around here.

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceptive.

10. This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most handsome of men.

12. They ate supper before they said grace = Living in sin.

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told.

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = prone to boasting.

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Aug 20, 2009

Redneck Joke:

The Redneck Contest:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists a
 Yale graduate and a redneck from Georgia.
They were given a word, 
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that 
contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
 Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels,
two by two
 Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!

No way could the redneck top that, they thought.....

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' we went,

Met three 'hoes in a pop-up tent.

They was three and we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down